10 Signs of a Healthy (& Unhealthy) Relationship
The information below is provided as educational content and may not be used as healthcare advice, diagnostic purposes, or medical treatment. Content may be used for wide-ranging self-improvement purposes but may not be suitable for each person.
If you or someone you know are experiencing a difficult time: Alaska Careline: 877-266-4357; call 911 for immediate crisis.
Consult with your medical providers for any concerns or changes to your health or well-being.
For those who are dating, entering new relationships, or reflecting on current relationships, this page will explore traits of healthy partners, “green flags,” and unhealthy relationship examples AKA, “red flags.”
Reminder: this blog is not an all-encompassing resource. The information below is provided as a jumping off point to seek more knowledge.
Relationship and Dating Expectations
Each person is a work in progress and there is no “perfect” person.
Everybody has flaws (e.g., being a Cowboys fan), each new partner will have unlikable habits (e.g., piling up dirty dishes next to sink), and nobody will respond perfectly to a situation every time.
Nobody is perfect and if/when there are signs a person is unsafe to be around: leave.
The wise Glorilla said,
“Save a man, do I look like f***** Superwoman?”
The information in this post is relevant to people in monogamous and non-monogamous relationships.
5 Dating Red Flags
1. Apologies that go, “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
This is a garbage “apology,” it frames your reaction as the issue rather than another person acknowledging the way their behavior hurt you.
Find a person who accepts accountability without needing you to justify how their behavior was hurtful.
Emotionally healthy adults do not make you feel bad after learning how their actions caused harm, which can be a form of emotional abuse.
Healthy apologies include elements such as, “Thank you for sharing how you experienced me in that moment. I am sorry my words hurt you in that way, what can I do to help you feel cared for right now?”
2. Any type of abuse: physical, emotional, psychological, or sexual.
Call 911, a local domestic violence shelter for help, a mental health crisis center, or a trusted friend.
It is never okay to push, shove, slap, hit, or throw objects at a partner.
Find safety immediately after any form of abuse.
3. Statements along the lines of, “I didn’t want to bring that up because I was worried how you would react.”
This is manipulation: a person denied you of reality based on their assumption of your reaction.
Manipulation is a form of abuse.
Find a partner who is mature enough to bring up uncomfortable conversations because these people will be able to navigate bigger problems down the road / long-term.
Avoid people who avoid conflict.
They are probably avoiding their own much needed personal therapy and other responsibilities.
4. Little lies or frequent dishonesty.
Lying is another form of emotional abuse and manipulation.
People who lie about little things may be compulsive liars and there is no need for you to stick around to confirm suspicions.
Well-adapted people will not make you “guess” what they are feeling, thinking, or needing. Do they expect you to have an all-knowing crystal ball in your pocket 24/7? Find a partner whose expectations are realistic.
A healthy partner will be honest about their needs, preferences, relationships with other people, and lifestyle by saying things such as, “I’m not comfortable talking about that now, but I’d like to tell you more when I’m ready.”
5. A person who has never been to therapy.
Makes sense, right?
Going to therapy is a sign of:
- Strength
- The ability to be vulnerable
- Process stress using a healthy outlet
- A willingness to improve one’s self (we’re all a work in progress!)
5 Green Flags in Early Relationships
1. You feel safe to tell your partner how they made you feel.
You should feel safe to bring up your feelings or concerns, and trust your partner’s capability to accept accountability for their err and demonstrate care towards repairing how they hurt you.
Relationships and conflict resolution are complicated and blogs are brief: conflict is inevitable in relationships. The way people handle conflict matters.
Healthy conflict does not include yelling, name calling, blameshifting, excuse making, whataboutism, or hostility.
Healthy conflict does include mutual care, consideration, kindness, emotion regulation, accountability, commitment to change, and open communication.
2. Sharing similar values.
Shared values are connected with happy, healthy, long-term relationships.
Values include things like:
- Family
- Community
- Education or Career
- Self-development
- Environmental issues
- Honesty
- Integrity
- Organization
- Philanthropy
- Religion or spirituality
- Political beliefs
- Generosity
- Empathy
- Responsibility
- Authenticity
- Courage
- Cooperation
- Openness
- Beauty
- Punctuality
- Dependability
3. A willingness to go to therapy.
As a therapist and human who has been to couples therapy: you want to know a potential partner’s stance on couples therapy.
Going to couples therapy while dating or in the early stages of a relationship is not the point. But you want to know a potential partner’s attitudes towards therapy and couples therapy because after 3, 5, 10, 27 years, you may want to talk to a relationship expert (rather than biased friends) about big or new problems.
4. Communication meets needs and is realistic.
Contemporary dating and relationships frequently involve in-person and virtual forms of communication.
Consistent communication > Constant communication.
Early on, you should get a sense how compatible your communication styles are and check-in with the people you’re dating to share expectations as the dynamic progresses.
Establish expectations early and appropriately.
Consider and understand factors influence communication (e.g., work, school, community involvements, family engagements, personal care activities), and how the ways you each approach communication challenges.
5. The ability to share laughs, joy, fun, and cheer.
Healthy successful long-term relationships embody the ability for two people to have a good time together, even during times of stress.
Consider what activities you and a prospective partner enjoy such as camping, playing board games, travel, reading, trying new restaurants, sharing a faith, or co-cooking – healthy and long-lasting relationships need an element of “good times.”
Want to read more like this? Check out Stellar Insight Counseling blog
About the Author
Nicole Zegiestowsky, M.S. (she/her)
Hello! My name is Nicole and I am pre-licensed online LGBTQ+ therapist for adults in Alaska (supervisor is Dr. Hannah Ekstrom, #196093, #125200).
I earned my master's in clinical psychology from the University of Alaska, Anchorage and have been providing therapy services to Alaskans since 2019.